Let me get one thing straight before we get into this most complex of issues. Britney Spears is a goddess. She is our generation’s Madonna. That deserves respect. She should be lauded for all that she has achieved, in the face of everything she’s been through. She has navigated the ever-shifting landscape of pop with ease over a period of seventeen years. I’m even willing to forgive Britney Jean (but never ‘Pretty Girls‘). We all make mistakes. But, the question on everybody’s lips right now is, is she about to make another one?
Britney has been smashing it in Vegas for close two years and she’s looking better than ever, (I love her new nose). During the creation of #B9 – as it was dubbed by fans – we were promised an album that sounded nothing like she’d ever done before and she teased us with studio shots with new of-the-minute producers, proving that she was actually involved in the process this time around. Rumour is she even recorded the vocals. So, things were looking up.
Then ‘Make Me’ dropped, and all of a sudden Britney Spears is relevant again. In fact, she hadn’t sounded as relevant since ‘Till The World Ends’. All seemed like it was going swimmingly, Glory was shaping up to be a return to form. Until ‘Private Show’ happened and B9 stock took a huge tumble.
What a pile of trash ‘Private Show’ is. And those vocals. What the hell? Not okay. Britney Spears should not be imitating a flash in the pan like Meghan Trainor, which is what she’s doing. But, I thought to myself, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. I still get super-hard for Oops!… I Did It Again and that has ‘Dear Diary’, so it can’t all be bad.
I’d love to stick to the music and not mention the shit-show debacle that is the ‘Make Me’ video. David LaChapelle better leak that original video pronto. What fuckery are the label playing at? I want nothing more than to see Britney Spears writhe around naked straddling men that are no more than slabs of meat, not deliver some PG-Little Mix giggling with the girls nonsense. This is the woman who had group sex and an orgasm in the ‘Slave 4 U’ video FFS. (I have signed the petition for the original video release and so look forward to the government response on that one.)
The saga continued when today, we got a leak of ‘Clumsy’, which is basically an Ariana Grande ‘Problem’ style banger, thankfully minus the Iggy guest spot – maybe Britney does learn from her mistakes? It was then I realised what was happening. Team Britney are in classic flop follow-up genre-hopping mode – ‘Let’s make a mammoth album with a track that will replicate any given trend or artist that emerges or resurges in the next year so all our bases are covered’ [See Kelly Clarkson’s post-My December album All I Ever Wanted for the template]. My theory was confirmed when ‘Just Luv Me’ appeared online today – it’s Britney’s foray into Tropical. To be fair to her, it sounds pretty good, so I’m willing to see where this genre-hopping goes.
I’m praying for a revisit to her country roots, a la ‘Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know’ and a super-cheesy pop stomper like ‘Anticipating’ or ‘Deep In My Heart’ and if Britney doesn’t use this revived interest in her career to revisit the ‘Lucky’ story, she’d be a real fool. I mean, if we’re all honest, it’s likely with all that cry-cry-crying she was doing, Lucky is most probably dead. 27 club anyone? I was convinced for a long while Britney would end up as a member, so perhaps that might be in bad taste. Another thing I’d love to hear would be a return to the reggae-lite of ‘Soda Pop’ or the dirty-dub bass of ‘Freakshow’.
I could go on for a while about the moments of greatness that Britney should be revisiting on this journey through the kaleidoscopic world of the musical genre, but I’d quite like to go to bed, so I’m going to wrap this up. I’m going to hold out hope, that Glory restores exactly that to our eminent pop princess and in amongst the mountain of tracks it contains are some gems that will continue the upward trend in her career-prospects.
Britney, you’re a babe. We love you. Just don’t fuck it up.
Glory the excellent new album from Britney Spears is available now for pre-order here upon which you instantly get the excellent single ‘Make Me’ and some other shit which you should basically just delete.